Laughable Word Usage

How many words do we have at our fingertips within the thesaurus? I’m going to go ahead and say there are about 70,000 words that sound and have similar meanings to about 70,000 other words, so, quick math tells me that there are about 1 MILLION words at our disposal. So, what makes a person deviate from this and use a word that, in one context means something totally understandable, but within another context means absolutely nothing, except for to say to everyone listening, “Yeah, that’s right, I used an ‘out-of-context’ word and you guys didn’t. I know vocabulary. I wrote the thesaurus. My last name is Dictionary.”

For example, you might casually joke around with someone about being pregnant and ask the question, “So, have you been impregnated yet?” And, although you might get a slap on the back of the head by a woman, the usage of the word “impregnated” is understandable; “to make pregnant; get with child or young.” We get that usage. We’ve heard it before in that context.

Now, have you ever heard someone use that same word, but within this context, “This book is so impregnated with facts that for you not to gain any knowledge from it is astounding”? No? I hadn’t either until last Friday when I was at a business seminar and the speaker used it in that exact way as stated above. What’s up with that?! Who does that?!

Listen, I know it makes logistical sense to use it, I get the meaning, but still, are you using it just for shock value? You know that everyone’s eyebrow will raise when they hear that and immediately think of a lady being pregnant, so, why do you use it in that context?? I just don’t get it.

So, from now on, leave words that belong in a certain context ALONE!!!!

Inappropriate Bathroom Usage

So, I’m here at work, and this lady asks if she could use our bathroom, and we politely show her where it is, silently wondering how long it will take before she passes out due to the smell that it’s embedded in the walls from a male-only work place, and when she is done, mind you, 5 minutes later, something happens that I’ve never experienced before…

SHE WENT #2!!! #2!!!!#2!!!!! No, that’s not my SHIFT key getting stuck, she dropped a bomb ladies and gentleman. How does that happen? When does that happen? I’ve been alive for 27 years and have never experienced that. Sure, my mom or my sister have used a bathroom or 2 at JcPenney’s or another department store, but never did they use a bathroom at a small, intimate business, completely run by men, where the slighest burp is heard and laughed at for hours and hours.

Seriously, when did women feel comfortable enough to do that? I mean, my wife will literally risk a hospital visit due to internal injuries before she ever steps foot into a bathroom, in public, with the intention of sitting there a while. And, I thought that’s how most women were. I mean, women go on and on and about cleanliness and being proper and sitcoms on a daily basis go through that “put the seat down when you’re done” routine, and yet, here’s a woman, who’s heard all of that, probably even said some of those things to her husband, probably has laughed at that sitcom-rant thinking to herself, “that’s right, see honey, I’m not the only one” and YET, she traverses the male jungle that is the throne room and plops down and lets out all her angst.

I don’t want to live in a world where that happens. Women are cute, they are beautiful, they are dainty, they wear dresses and perfume, they smell good, we like them to be that way, and in fact, I don’t even think women go #2 (I refuse to believe that they even fart) in my little “man-fantasy-world.” I live in my little tunnel, you live in yours.

Mine will smell better at least.
-Love you honey.